From the Beginning

This haunting melody written by Gregg Lake of the British Rock group, Emerson Lake and Palmer, has always been one of my favorites of EL&P. The lyrics could mean many things to different people, depending on the circumstances, which is why it is such a timeless song. The lyrics were particularly meaningful to me today, and I wanted to share this brief beautiful musical journey with you too.





















From the Beginning

there might have been things i missed
but don't be unkind
it don't mean i'm blind
perhaps there's a thing or two

i think of - lying in bed
i shouldn't have said
but there it is

you see it's all clear
you were meant to be here
from the beginning

maybe i might have changed
and not been so cruel
not been such a fool
whatever was done is done
i just can't recall
it doesn't matter at all

you see it's all clear
you were meant to be here
from the beginning

This is one of those songs that makes you wonder "just what did he mean"...From the Beginning?...you were meant to be here? Is he talking about a lover? or a child? It could mean a parent who has been hurtful in some way to his child, and is apologizing, or perhaps regretting saying something in a harsh way and having it be mis-understood.

This could have been my Mother talking to me, in so many years past. It was revealing to me to remember how many times in the years past -- before my Mom passed away -- that my visits back East with my Mother would always end in mis-spoken words, mis-understandings, and hurt feelings - on both our parts. There would be silence for a long period of time, and then usually one of us would call and apologize or just start talking like nothing had happened. But the truth of the matter is that the words once spoken were never forgotten. In some tiny part of our hearts there was never resolution on certain issues between us.

Maybe it is the old Mother-Daughter "stuff" that just comes up out of fear of separation, fear of loss, fear of being "insignificant" that every Mother goes through when they face the reality that their kids have just grown up anyway in spite of us. In spite of all the love and nurturing that we tried to give them growing up, our kids just eventually leave, either for school or marriage or just out on their own. It's what we raise them to do, right? Be independent souls, Spread your wings and FLY! Become all you can become.

"But don't forget where Mom is. Don't forget what I sacrificed and gave up to give you a good roof over your heads, clothes on your backs, and food on the table. Don't forget all the trips to the Zoo, and movies and how I gave up things, including a career, just to make sure you were always cared for, loved, and had what you wanted so you would not feel "different" from the other kids on the block"...

Well my Mom never actually put it in those words, but it was how I felt at times, and I'm sure my kids feel the same about me especially now that they are both married and have spouses, careers, homes and lives totally of their own choosing. I did not choose their spouses, their careers, nor their lifestyles, but I'm sure my raising of them had a large part of their value system in making those ultimate great choices. I wasn't always the best example of a "stable" person in those years I guess being raised by a "free-bird" type mother was difficult enough even though I always had a good job and insurance and made sure we always lived in good homes and neighborhoods, and as a Mom I was as involved in their lives as I dared to be without making them embarassed. I think there has always been a very fine line between them and me when it comes to boundaries. How much parenting is too much, and how little is too little? The most drastic example of that was when my daughter came home from college one summer (I was living in South Florida at the time). We went to the beach and I layed out my blanket on the sand near the girls and one of them said: "Eeew..lets move, we don't want to get Mommie Cooties!" Pretty funny at the time, but no truer words were spoken.

Well lucky for me, they all turned out pretty well in spite of me, in spite me and of our 35 moves in 20 years, and in spite of them having had to grow up in a home without a stable two parent relationship. When I became an "empty nester" early in life because I had my children early (20), so by 40 I was down to only one child at home and he was starting to push me out on my own! The reality was at that time I was ready for freedom from kids and responsibility and was ready to fly out on my own and see what life was all about. I was ready to move away from my home town as far as I could get and explore the world. No doubt I would have had a lot of fun had I done that before I had kids but maybe it all worked out as it was supposed to anyway.

Now, fast forward 20 more years and my parents have passed on, I hadn't counted on being a part of that phase of their life but it is a real eye opener when you are suddenly faced with your own mortality questions and you start looking back at your life, seeing not where you want to be exactly, but maybe re-discovering other parts of yourself that are important to revisit, dreams that you still may want to manifest, and also reaffirming things that are really important in life, like your kids who you spent so much of your life being a part of. They are your life blood connection and I don't know of any other type of relationship, including marriage, that is more truly connected on a cellular level than Mother and Child. Yes we bring them into the world and lead them for about 18 or 20 years, but we do not take them out of the world. At some level I believe - as we age there is a "homing instinct" to again be a part of their lives and share our wisdom in some way, or perhaps it is just hope, but especially when you have been separated by many miles for many years. To know that they care about you enough to include you in some of their plans and openly discuss ideas and concerns with you, not for approval but out of respect - and expect that you will not judge or criticize what they do - is only natural and fair. No parent wants to feel like they are not important or loved. It works both ways.

In my case, when I moved away from my home in New York to be in a warmer climate and also to remove myself from what I felt was an unhealthy family dynamic for too many years, my Mother threatened to disown me! She was serious! She definitely did not want to lose control over her kids and I was in my late 30's at the time! It was really upsetting but her cry was definitely "you belong HERE!" just as the song says...From the Beginning - and to the END! But I was stubborn and determined that she was not going to dictate my fate. I guess that was what really started our personal war. But truthfully in the end she and I did find peace, maybe not total understanding, but she got her way because for a brief time (five years) I did move back to New York and was there when she passed away. It was a bittersweet sadness because what I really wanted was for us to be best friends ever and especially during our lives while she was most vibrant and able to contribute to the world her talents - not have to wait until she was dying. Unfortunately she was not of the mindset that I was. I think I have harbored some of that desire to stay connected to my Mother, and transferred that to my own adult kids. I have a secret desire to be somehow connected in a business or contributing to each other's welfare, as many talented familys often do, combine forces, etc. I have a desire to be as cared about by their spouses as I care for them as well, but I have to understand that to the spouse I am still "just a Mother-in-law". The worlds worst label, ever.

My adult kids have their own mindset, goals and life experiences, and I respect that, no matter what I think. I was not inside their heads as they were growing up and their experience was totally different than mine. When there is mis-understandings, it causes tension, but some times you can't take it back, its just something you have to get over.
Like the song says: whatever was done is done, i just can't recall, it doesn't matter at all...
Some things just are....as they are. They change when your mind changes. What never changes though, for me anyway, is the love and support. It's constant, unconditional, and is the one thing that always WILL be there - From the Beginning and to the End.

With Love & Peace to all