What the heck are we doing here¿?

"What if the moments of the greatest wounding in your life were also places where the Divine crossed your path and the unquenchable dream of your life was born?"

There is nothing that drives the human mind more than what is called an incomplete gestalt--an unmet need for closure of some kind. Imagine seeing a pad of paper lying near you with nothing drawn on the page but an incomplete circle. Imagine hearing just this much of the song: "Somewhere over the.."

Dawna Markova says in her book "I Will not Die an Unlived Life" under "Let our wounds become our teachers": if your purpose is only about you, it has no branches. If it is only about the rest of the world, it has no roots. Learning that the moment when our essential needs were not met in some very basic way, holds the possibility to unfold our gifts. Wouldn't it be a good joke if the worst that has happened to us holds the possibility of bringing the best in us to the world?"

Its always easy to look back twenty years or more, and say "Ahhh yes, this situation turned me in this direction and look how well that turned out", or "if this or that had not happened I would not have done such and such". But I believe it's not how well our life turns out, or even what direction we are moving but rather, what is our purpose? Do we even have one other than to exist day to day? putting one foot in front of the other. Surviving one ordeal after another. Going to our jobs, tending to the daily routines that we all have. This is not to say we all have mundane existences, but is it fair to say that the job of life becomes mundane when it offers no purpose, or passion that ultimately leads to some greater purpose other than to exist?

Or perhaps I am just trying to find some greater purpose for my own existence than just "existing", as a mother, as an artist, as a person who has many interests and passions that I love to explore? What do I contribute to the world? What am I giving back? How are my choices, and actions either contributing or contaminating the global perspective of the universe? Or do my actions and thoughts, collectively, culminate in some greater good? Is it even important? Who judges us? Or do we judge ourselves?

Maybe I am just a worry-wart who also happens to be a bit of a hedonist but wants to do the right thing all the time, someone who believes that existing for the sake of existing is not enough. Life is full of fun and beautiful things to enjoy so why go through life feeling bad? and doing things that make us feel bad are not fun! They take the fun OUT of life for me.

Once a free-bird always a free-bird. Seeking my purpose? Where am I going and what do I want to accomplish - or give back - to the world? Is being a good mother enough? What about my art? Does it have a purpose? Does it even
need a purpose? I exist - I create - therefore I am?

Its not my job to tell other people what they should or should not be responsible for, but I do believe that it should be required of each individual by themselves...not anyone else..to look within, discover what truly has meaning in your life and pursue it with passion.

I have thought many times that perhaps "my purpose" should be guided to help others, because I am a mother to a child with a disability and a sister to a child with a disability. I have been "touched" by this ability to be compassionate and involved without feeling like a victim but also to be an activator, one who could motivate others. But as a Reiki healer and massage therapist, even though I am able to use this to help others, I found working with the disabled too close to home. It is all just a little too overwhelming. But as an artist, I find my passion and solace. Art is a creative act, not necessarily requiring any compassion and in fact it is a totally selfish pleasure. I derive so much peace in the creative activity of making things that the challenge is to create something that also tells a story, makes a point, or in a subtle way, targets a feeling in someone that words would not do. Thus allowing the art to be a catalyst for change. Its a
challenge only because that part of it is guided by intent, rather than intuition, and as a free-spirited, intuitive artist, one resists creating "on purpose", which is why I chose early on not to become a commercial artist. I believe creating
art for "sales" or "market driven art" is not conducive to intuitive creativity. But I believe it is possible to have a motive
for your art creations, or purpose if you will, as the driving force behind what you create therefore allowing that force to direct your outcome.

To be more goal oriented, in other words,to have an underlying agenda for my art, just as I seek to find more purpose in my own life is not required, but to me it is important. Is it necessary that my creations, whether it be paintings or sculptures, support some common "community" interest? I'm not sure, and I'm not sure how my own ideas will manifest in the future, but it is my intention, or, my current vision in the making. Making a difference somehow, for a cause, is a goal and a challenge that I believe I am up to. Being a victim and waiting for life to happen to me has never been in my vocabulary and I will not allow myself to do less than what I know I am capable of. Dream big! Believe in impossibilities!

Hopefully, by posting my intention to pursue this goal as the next chapter of my artistic journey, I can set something in motion. Surely nothing happens without action or intention. Inertia has been trying to creep into me for the past several months, but I resist with every day's intention to move, walk, write and think. I am familiar with this from past times in my life, we resist change, we resist doing things that we know are often challenging and difficult because they are in an unknown field of energy. But just intending our new goals, is enough to drive out the indecision, the doubts and start "doing"....

Keeping on!