From the Beginning

This haunting melody written by Gregg Lake of the British Rock group, Emerson Lake and Palmer, has always been one of my favorites of EL&P. The lyrics could mean many things to different people, depending on the circumstances, which is why it is such a timeless song. The lyrics were particularly meaningful to me today, and I wanted to share this brief beautiful musical journey with you too.





















From the Beginning

there might have been things i missed
but don't be unkind
it don't mean i'm blind
perhaps there's a thing or two

i think of - lying in bed
i shouldn't have said
but there it is

you see it's all clear
you were meant to be here
from the beginning

maybe i might have changed
and not been so cruel
not been such a fool
whatever was done is done
i just can't recall
it doesn't matter at all

you see it's all clear
you were meant to be here
from the beginning

This is one of those songs that makes you wonder "just what did he mean"...From the Beginning?...you were meant to be here? Is he talking about a lover? or a child? It could mean a parent who has been hurtful in some way to his child, and is apologizing, or perhaps regretting saying something in a harsh way and having it be mis-understood.

This could have been my Mother talking to me, in so many years past. It was revealing to me to remember how many times in the years past -- before my Mom passed away -- that my visits back East with my Mother would always end in mis-spoken words, mis-understandings, and hurt feelings - on both our parts. There would be silence for a long period of time, and then usually one of us would call and apologize or just start talking like nothing had happened. But the truth of the matter is that the words once spoken were never forgotten. In some tiny part of our hearts there was never resolution on certain issues between us.

Maybe it is the old Mother-Daughter "stuff" that just comes up out of fear of separation, fear of loss, fear of being "insignificant" that every Mother goes through when they face the reality that their kids have just grown up anyway in spite of us. In spite of all the love and nurturing that we tried to give them growing up, our kids just eventually leave, either for school or marriage or just out on their own. It's what we raise them to do, right? Be independent souls, Spread your wings and FLY! Become all you can become.

"But don't forget where Mom is. Don't forget what I sacrificed and gave up to give you a good roof over your heads, clothes on your backs, and food on the table. Don't forget all the trips to the Zoo, and movies and how I gave up things, including a career, just to make sure you were always cared for, loved, and had what you wanted so you would not feel "different" from the other kids on the block"...

Well my Mom never actually put it in those words, but it was how I felt at times, and I'm sure my kids feel the same about me especially now that they are both married and have spouses, careers, homes and lives totally of their own choosing. I did not choose their spouses, their careers, nor their lifestyles, but I'm sure my raising of them had a large part of their value system in making those ultimate great choices. I wasn't always the best example of a "stable" person in those years I guess being raised by a "free-bird" type mother was difficult enough even though I always had a good job and insurance and made sure we always lived in good homes and neighborhoods, and as a Mom I was as involved in their lives as I dared to be without making them embarassed. I think there has always been a very fine line between them and me when it comes to boundaries. How much parenting is too much, and how little is too little? The most drastic example of that was when my daughter came home from college one summer (I was living in South Florida at the time). We went to the beach and I layed out my blanket on the sand near the girls and one of them said: "Eeew..lets move, we don't want to get Mommie Cooties!" Pretty funny at the time, but no truer words were spoken.

Well lucky for me, they all turned out pretty well in spite of me, in spite me and of our 35 moves in 20 years, and in spite of them having had to grow up in a home without a stable two parent relationship. When I became an "empty nester" early in life because I had my children early (20), so by 40 I was down to only one child at home and he was starting to push me out on my own! The reality was at that time I was ready for freedom from kids and responsibility and was ready to fly out on my own and see what life was all about. I was ready to move away from my home town as far as I could get and explore the world. No doubt I would have had a lot of fun had I done that before I had kids but maybe it all worked out as it was supposed to anyway.

Now, fast forward 20 more years and my parents have passed on, I hadn't counted on being a part of that phase of their life but it is a real eye opener when you are suddenly faced with your own mortality questions and you start looking back at your life, seeing not where you want to be exactly, but maybe re-discovering other parts of yourself that are important to revisit, dreams that you still may want to manifest, and also reaffirming things that are really important in life, like your kids who you spent so much of your life being a part of. They are your life blood connection and I don't know of any other type of relationship, including marriage, that is more truly connected on a cellular level than Mother and Child. Yes we bring them into the world and lead them for about 18 or 20 years, but we do not take them out of the world. At some level I believe - as we age there is a "homing instinct" to again be a part of their lives and share our wisdom in some way, or perhaps it is just hope, but especially when you have been separated by many miles for many years. To know that they care about you enough to include you in some of their plans and openly discuss ideas and concerns with you, not for approval but out of respect - and expect that you will not judge or criticize what they do - is only natural and fair. No parent wants to feel like they are not important or loved. It works both ways.

In my case, when I moved away from my home in New York to be in a warmer climate and also to remove myself from what I felt was an unhealthy family dynamic for too many years, my Mother threatened to disown me! She was serious! She definitely did not want to lose control over her kids and I was in my late 30's at the time! It was really upsetting but her cry was definitely "you belong HERE!" just as the song says...From the Beginning - and to the END! But I was stubborn and determined that she was not going to dictate my fate. I guess that was what really started our personal war. But truthfully in the end she and I did find peace, maybe not total understanding, but she got her way because for a brief time (five years) I did move back to New York and was there when she passed away. It was a bittersweet sadness because what I really wanted was for us to be best friends ever and especially during our lives while she was most vibrant and able to contribute to the world her talents - not have to wait until she was dying. Unfortunately she was not of the mindset that I was. I think I have harbored some of that desire to stay connected to my Mother, and transferred that to my own adult kids. I have a secret desire to be somehow connected in a business or contributing to each other's welfare, as many talented familys often do, combine forces, etc. I have a desire to be as cared about by their spouses as I care for them as well, but I have to understand that to the spouse I am still "just a Mother-in-law". The worlds worst label, ever.

My adult kids have their own mindset, goals and life experiences, and I respect that, no matter what I think. I was not inside their heads as they were growing up and their experience was totally different than mine. When there is mis-understandings, it causes tension, but some times you can't take it back, its just something you have to get over.
Like the song says: whatever was done is done, i just can't recall, it doesn't matter at all...
Some things just are....as they are. They change when your mind changes. What never changes though, for me anyway, is the love and support. It's constant, unconditional, and is the one thing that always WILL be there - From the Beginning and to the End.

With Love & Peace to all

On Family, Principles and the United States

"Everyone in such a hurry-going somewhere too fast.
Life passes by in a blur. Did you even notice the
beautiful painting God's angels placed in the sky
over there by the Moon? for us to ponder?
if only for a fleeting moment. Nature waits for
no one.
If only we would take the time to notice"


"A Letter to my kids" This letter was originally written on 10/01/01, not too long after the 911 disaster in New York and seven months after the passing of my Father. I was living in Upstate NY at the time, and the subject of patriotism was on the lips of almost every person I saw. It occurred to me that I had never really thought much about affirming my patriotism in writing, but I knew I had very deep seated feelings about it, so decided to write this letter to my two youngest children in California. Somehow it got buried in my file of various writings, only to be uncovered recently and revised. After reading it I felt it was still somewhat timely and have decided to post it. Feel free to comment.

"My Thoughts on Family, Principles and the United States"

I think all of this talk of peace and allegiance to the country and to each other (i.e. meaning total strangers) does no one any good unless it is also extended to our closest neighbors, our brothers and sisters and to our children and parents who also have pain and suffering. For the core of this country was built on the strength of the family and community bonding.

My grandparents came to this country with nothing but the clothes on their backs, their two hands and the principles embedded within them from their parents, and they succeeded in helping to the best of their ability, to build one of the greatest countries in the world, because they believed to the core, that this WAS the greatest country in the world. A country they were willing to die for, to become a citizen of, and they did not object to flying the American Flag proudly or saying the Pledge of Allegiance to the country, under God, indivisible, as did my generation every morning in school before we did anything else. Giving thanks for our country and freedoms was not such a bad thing to do. Showing gratitude opens the door for more grace I believe. Maybe our country could use more of that these days.

I have witnessed the decline of patriotism in this country for many years and often wondered where it would lead. Apparently, to a generation of children who have not been taught what they have. To a generation of youngsters and people who have simply known NO other way of life, and tend to take it all for granted, through no fault of their own, and many who have no relatives who had to fight for their freedom.

Many of our grandfathers died in the mines while building this country, like my own grandfather, or in work camps, but they did so because they wanted a better life for their children and grandchildren than what they had in their countries, and willingly gave their life's blood to build this country. During World War II their sons fought by the thousands and died or came home wounded, to protect our freedom, so their children would have a better life than they had. Then there was Korea, and Viet Nam. Each in the name of "freedom". Every parent in America wants a better life for their children than they have but it does not work unless they also teach the children how precious their easily inherited freedoms are. Then there is the debate about what constitutes a "better life".

Those who came here before us did not have electric toasters, televisions and computers and John Deere Tractors. They built this country with savage skills and bare energy, brute force and the basic elements of this Earth. What they did have was more valuable than electric appliances and computers, what they brought with them was what makes America so untouchable.

It was their internal courage and strength of character and simple faith, belief in themselves, their creativity, and hope for a greater tomorrow; something that cannot be bought, it cannot be bartered, and it cannot be rubbed off from your friends. If you have it, it is because you have learned or inherited it from your parents and their parents or you learned it from truly believing in your SELF and never giving up on your dreams. If you do NOT have these basic strengths of character, you have either not been taught it or you have forgotten it.

True character and belief in oneself cannot be won or earned by fighting more wars, being hostile to our perceived enemies and through more killing. Character is built by being true to his or her highest principles and beliefs at all times. Are these values that are still looked up to in this country or put down?

I believe, like my parents believed, that one must be willing to give him or herself totally in submission to your core belief's whatever they are, and not be afraid of being swallowed up in that submission. By doing so you may be giving to others, but you are also giving to yourself. When you stand for your beliefs you make a stand for all in the name of that belief. Good can only come of it in the end. Too many people just don't know what they believe, and constantly look outside themselves for validation.

We all fight internal wars each and every day. How we choose to fight and how we choose to BE is the important thing. The man or woman should be equal to or greater than the battle or the battle will win. How does one fight the emotional battle? You can't. You will always loose because the emotional battle is within and WITH your SELF. Sometimes, dealing with emotional battles can only be won by being alone. It is then, you learn to confront and know the self, understand the weaknesses and forgive them. You also learn your strengths. You are judged by no one, and you have only yourself to live up to. That can be a very enlightening experience or it can be a frightening experience. Some of us need that from time to time to regain inner strength, balance and courage; things which we may have temporarily forgotten.

We must be willing to die for our beliefs (not literally) but that they SO become who we are-and we become them (our principles and beliefs) that no one can take them away from us. What dies in us are the false beliefs.

If we believe in freedom and truth, dignity and honesty, charity and good will-all these things become part of who we are, our inner nature, and we become one with these values as we practice them. When we know ourselves, its not so easy for others to convince us otherwise.

Why is there so much contradiction in the world today? because many people in this country do not really know who they are and what they stand for. They seem to need someone or some THING to tell them how they should feel and think (people like the news media or advertisements on TV and tabloid magazines). They have forgotten what it feels like to have a tear roll down their cheek as they say the Pledge of Allegiance and watch the flag as it flies proudly against the sky, remembering a deceased parent who died and fought in the War, or to sing the words of "America the Beautiful". In other words, to really feel a connection to "our" country, the land which represents our freedom to really be all that we can be. A free country founded on honest values by people who were not perfect but who had a vision of perfection, designed so each person could could have the freedome to obtain their highest goals without interference from the Government and to live without fear of other countries attack on us. A nation undivided in that mission. A beautiful country that I personally travelled back and forth over many times, felt the earth, walked on Glaciers in Alaska, pitched stones in the waters of Lake Superior, wandered the beaches of California and Florida, and froze in the snow of Upstate New York. Is it possible to live here your entire life and know how much human blood has been shed on our soil in the name of justice, freedom, truth and love and NOT feel connected? I think not.

I am saddened to think now, that our way of life as we know it, no matter how many wars we get involved in, cannot be protected just by loving our country and being a loyal and good citizen. Our liberties - justly won, for a nation that has flourished because of its freedom, is now at risk of losing those liberties for the sake of security and the beliefs of a very negative element in our country at this time. A great man once said that "a country that is so willing to give up its liberties to gain security deserves neither"....This makes one think twice about what is happening today. We must always be mindful of just what it is that we are yielding TO. Never become so complacent that we lose our ability to see the truth no matter how cleverly it is disguised.

Lovingly and proudly a third generation American.